An Elementary School Teacher in the Show Me State

Today marks the 4 week mark of institute, and the countdown begins for getting to see my husband again.  Crazy that we’ve been married for only 9 weeks and 4 of them we have been thousands of miles and 3 times zones apart.  I’ve gone from emotional wreck on the brink of quitting to confident teacher and even kind of sort of enjoying myself a little teensy bit. 

I’m so saddened by the few St. Louis corps members who quit.  They were valuable people who would have been phenomenal teachers.  It’s too bad the cult-like atmosphere was not for them.  My sister asked me today if I was glad I joined and I hesitated for a moment.  I said that this will likely change in a few months, or a year, but as of today – no I am not impressed with the organization and I would not encourage anybody to join.  However, I have given up too much to be here and quitting is not an option. 

I’m one of 8 St. Louis corps members still waiting on a placement – but I’m in good company as I really like many of the others who are waiting for placements.  I recieved a notice that my resume was sent to another charter school (grrr) but this one should be better and the position is for 1st grade.  (eeek!)  The good thing is that there are two other AWESOME corps members teaching 1st grade at the same “brand” of charter school so there could be a lot of collaboration.  Even though I have mixed feelings about charter schools I am hoping to get this position because I love the idea of working with these other awesome people!

 I am so happy to be moving to St. Louis and to be a part of the coprs there.  Our group is very tight and is really filled with the most amazing people I have ever met.  I am looking forward to the friendships that will develop over the next 2+ years. 

I have never anticipated a weekend as much as I anticipated this one.  I put on real human clothes rather than just my PJs or “teacher clothes” and I feel human for the first time in a week.

 I thought last week was hectic but it was nothing, NOTHING compared to this week.  This was the week from hell.  I’ve gotten about 15 hours of sleep total this week.  On Wednesday I went to bed at 4:00am and woke up at 5:40am.  It was the low point of the day. 

Actually, the low point of the week was on Wednesday, after my reading lesson, when I barely made it out of the classroom before I started bawling.  One of my students, D, was running around the room, pulling things off the walls, off the windows, he even started rifling through the supply closet.  I felt so helpless.  I had no idea how to react to such an extreme situation.  After such an awful day I just wanted to go home and sleep but I could not because I had to spend 10 hours writing lesson plans for the following week.  I spent a good three hours of that time improving my Thursday lesson plan as well.  Well, it was worth all the work, because the lesson went better and I recieved compliments from many people, including my school director came up to me to compliment the lesson plan which had been passed along from my advisor.  Yay!  She wanted to use it as an example of an exemplary lesson plan and have me present it to my peer next week.  Now if only I could get that execution down pat. 

This is going to be rambly and mildy incoherent, but you’ll just have to bear with me.  It’s authentic to how I am feeling at the moment.

I’ve arrived in Los Angeles.  Settled in?  Well, I’ve barely had time.  My suitcases are unpacked and my bed is made so I suppose that’s all that can be expected.  I’ve survived my first day, barely.

 When I called T today he asked how today went and I couldn’t give him an answer.  There wasn’t a word to describe how today went.  “Good or bad?” he prompted.  I still didn’t know how to answer.  I just said “well, I never expect it to be easy.”

 Here is a run down:

1) My mattress is a relic.  It is about 6 inches tall and plastic.  I’ve slept on couches that are more comfortable that that mattress.  I woke up every hour or so and had a terrible back ache in the morning.  Who am I kidding, my back still hurts.

2) Hot.  It is very hot.  It’s not so bad outside, but inside the heat just lingers and festers.  Add dozens of bodies crammed into small spaces and you’ve got yourself a personal sauna.  Mmmm, sweaty.

3) Kids are little and elementary schools make everything kid sized.  Desks are tiny and sitting in those bitty chairs, my knees hit my chin.  Oh, and drinking fountains are about 2 feet off the ground.  That’s fun to use.

4) There were many many times through the day when I wondered if it was too late to quit, or change my preference to Kindergarten or 5th grade, etc. 

5) Overall the food blows.  I think I’m on a forced diet.

6) I feel like I’m at a really boring camp, homesickness and all.

I know that doesn’t really cover any of the juicy things.  You all want to hear about my idealism and my excitement about changing the world, but really, I just sat in about 7 hours worth of lectures today in little tiny desks and hot cramped rooms.  Maybe I’ll have more info tomorrow when I learn about my summer school grade placement and collaborative group. 

I’m going to assume that starting soon I won’t have time to feel homesick or hot or cranky let alone time to complain about it on the internet. 

Wendy Kopp spoke at our opening ceremonies tonight.  I was really hoping for interpretive dancers on rollerblades and a laser light show a la the Olumpics but that was a nice second.

I’ve spent the first 23 years of my life operating under the motto: “If you want something done right you have to do it yourself. ” It’s worked for me.  I am comforted by knowing that anything with my name attached to it is going to be entirely my responsibility, whether it is a success or a failure.  In the few instances where I have relied on other people, it usually blows up in my face.  So I prefer to work just a little bit harder so I can have peace of mind that it will be done well. 

 I can’t do that anymore.

Come Monday I have to share responsibility for 17 3rd graders with 3 other people.  I don’t trust them.  But to be fair, I haven’t given myself an opportunity to trust them.  I approached the situation suspicious and claimed to be looking forward to the opportunity.  We’ll see come Monday and the following weeks if I have anything to worry about, but in the meantime I am having a hard time relenquishing control.  Rather than helping to boost up their self esteem I am reinforcing their apprehension by offering to do more than my fair share of work, even offering to script their lessons. 

I have enough work of my own, I’m going to go crazy if I keep this up.  I just feel like the stakes are too high if we fail.  If we fail as teachers then our kids either don’t go on to 4th grade or they will have to move on unprepared.  We have 20 days.  Is that enough time to unlearn 23 years?

The amount of white guilt located on this campus at this moment is insane.  If I hear one more self-righteous, private school educated, privileged white person whine about how all the schools/city/college they went to were “all white” and roll their eyes, I am going to scream. 

It really reeks of imperialism.  Oh, look at me, I’m so liberal and open minded that I am going to go into a poor, predominately black or latino school and save those poor kids.  Seriously, it makes me feel queasy.

I am teaching 3rd grade summer school, which is the great news for today because it is exactly what I wanted!